Guilt

Nobody told me how much guilt came with parenting.

No matter what you do or how you parent it seems you feel guilty about something. I thought I was alone on this but saw a post the other day from a working mom that felt guilty because she still enjoyed going to work and a response from a stay at home mom who felt guilty because she no longer contributes financially to her family. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Reading the thread made me think about all the things I've felt guilty about with Jacob.

1) Jacob and I were not a good breast feeding match. We struggled continously with it, and I was determined to make sure he was breastfed. After a couple weeks the doctor had us start supplementing with formula because Jacob just would not gain weight. After using the bottle for that he no longer wanted to be breastfed. I spent so much time feeding him, washing bottles, pumping, over and over again until my supply quickly dropped. I drank organic teas, ate herbs and even oats, and power pumped to try and increase, but it just wouldn't work and Jacob was getting more and more formula. I was so hard on myself and working so hard to get every drop I could that I was no longer enjoying time with my son.
Finally I realized how all my stressing was doing us no good and I let it go. I was able to give him almost 2 months of milk and he was gaining weight and developing on formula. It was time to stop the guilt and enjoy him.

2) I'm lucky enough to have found the most amazing husband in the world and others would be jealous if they knew just how great he is. Before we had Jacob he and I would cook together and he does dishes. Now that Jacob is here he is still that great and helps in every aspect. The only problem is when he helps I feel guilty that I'm not a good mom again because I'm tired, need a break, and pushing off diaper changes, feedings and household chores on to him.
I know he is doing all these things because he wants time with Jacob too and he just likes helping out and at some point I'll just let him do it without overanalyzing in my head.

3) Working and not working. Yep...I can feel guilty about two exact opposites at once. I feel guilty working because I get an hour in the morning with Jacob (if I get myself out of bed early) and then a few hours in the evening before he goes to sleep. I feel guilty about not working/subbing for a while because I'm not contributing to our income and know that I have spending habit.
To come to terms with this I count the days until my last day of my current job and have tried to become more frugal. I've also realized that it is what it is and try not to think about it too much.

The list could go on and on to include small daily moments like when I forgot to pack a blanket to wrap Jacob in at the doctor's office or how I had to drive from day care to the house (short drive) holding Jacob's head up because for some reason my seat propped him forward and his head kept going forward.

I've learned though that there is no time for all those worries and guilty feelings. I feel good about the way I'm raising Jacob and every time he smiles - and now giggles - I know I'm doing fine.